Looking for Mr. Good Enough
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Wednesday, June 04
11:56 PM
Looking for Mr. Good Enough
Sarah Hampson
From Thursday’s Globe and Mail
You know that scenario you hold in your head about The One? One day, you’ll be walking into your local grocery store to buy a mango, and there he will be, squeezing them too, ready to seduce you with an opening gambit about, say, ripeness.
Well, it’s a dream, and that makes you a fantasist.
Such is the new thinking from the front lines of modern dating. Forget about finding Mr. Right. You should settle for Mr. Good Enough. Heck, go for Mr. Just Okay. Don’t expect a head-spinning courtship. You should not even want love. In fact, you’d be wise to borrow a few pointers from arranged marriages.
Last month in London’s Sunday Times, Lori Gottlieb caused a stir by writing a piece about her longing to be married. At 40, she laments the decisions in her 30s to break up with certain boyfriends. Looking back, she figures she should have married one. A single mother, she conceived her child through donor sperm because she had not met Mr. Right.
Her advice to women is to settle before they panic about feeling they might never have a family. “Don’t worry about passion or intense connection,” she writes.
Marriage is “more like a partnership formed to run a small, mundane and often boring not-for-profit business. And I mean this in a good way.”
Reva Seth agrees. Born in Canada to South Asian parents, she has written a book, First Comes Marriage, Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages, based on her discussions with more than 300 women in arranged marriages. Does she think modern women are fantasists? “Very much,” she says in an interview. “Our expectations have become so high in terms of what we are looking for. … Even the idea of a soulmate is a list [of attributes] in our head that keeps changing.”
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